on marriage

our way of thinking is so much influenced by the way we were raised, friends we hangout with, books we read, schools we attend to, movies and shows we watch, etc. i have passed the quarter life stage, the ugly part consisting of heart break, failure, so much disappointment, and dreams not (yet) to be achieved. i have met many people, the good and bad ones. i have read (not so many) books. i have secured a (sort of) steady job. well, that's pretty much it... or is it?

so far, life has taught me so much and reciprocally i have learnt so much too. i learned it the hard way that in every kind of competition, screening, championship, or some sort, remember that there are always two possible outcomes: success and failure. we are so used to preparing victory that we forget there is also failure. and when we are faced with failure, that's the ugly part. we are not ready. we get disappointed. well, that's the number one (and the most influential) lesson life has taught me. please prepare for the worst.

up to this point, my life can be summarized in one word: mediocre (or even worse than mediocre). i have not really reached the point of mastery or expertise in anything. i want to learn all, yet i haven't mastered any single thing. i can speak english pretty well, but that's not an indicator nowadays because... well, i think everyone else can speak english too, many are even better than me. i read philosophy, but only get the slightest idea of what it is. i learn to code, too. programming seems to have a big hit, doesn't it? but again it seems that i can't reach mastery level in that either. i have been learning japanese, but i haven't been so fluent either. trying to learn everything just makes me understand nothing. like people say, jack of all trade but master of none. that, i think is the second lesson life has taught me. be focus.

on marriage. my idea of marriage has also been shifting. when i was in the undergraduate, marriage seems to be a good purpose. a holy one. a milestone i want to achieve soon. that is what the religion asks you to do. however, upon graduating i got hit by real life like i said in the earlier paragraphs. it scares me so much. the idea of having married with someone who only knows me for several months. well, basically i will spend the rest of my life with someone who is stranger to me before. will she accept me for whatever failures, rejections, and mediocrity that i've got?

marriage is about compromise. i have so many dreams not yet achieved (getting marriage is not one). i haven't been the very person i am dreaming about, when i was in high school and in the college. no. it is still very faraway to be there. that very thing is what 'she' has been telling me. "how about your dreams?" man, i am afraid.

being an asian, having kids is also the social norm. my idea of having kids have also been shifting. when i was younger and naive, the concept of having many kids is ideal, or good at least. now, with my failures and all of the shitty things i've been through, i'm so afraid. what if my kids would be a mediocre too? the world has been so harsh on me, so i suppose it will be harsher on their era, won't it? if there exists something called structural poverty, then i think there is also structural mediocrity? structural middle-incomeness? i dunno, i made up that last term.

and by the way, one day i got a haircut in my usual barbershop. out of the blue he said

"are you planing on getting married soon?"

"not really. no." i said.

"you know what, those who are less educated like me tend to fear less about getting married and will get married right away without so many considerations. but for people like you, coming from a middle income family, getting a degree and all that stuff, tend to consider so many many things about marriage, fearful of what would become of the future. what a very strange world we live in."

and i think what he said is absolutely right. the older we become, the more we learn, the more input to our ideas and conception of the world we live in. all of those things accumulated and influence our ideas on every aspect of life, including marriage.

Tangerang, 7-8 September 2021