How it felt

You wake up tired. Every night, sleep was never good. Sleep is a small escape. Escape from reality, from the harsh truth that the one who used to be your reason of happiness suddenly turned into the very person who makes you like this. You don't even know what this feeling is. You feel sad, angry, betrayed, all mixed so hard and painfully. Every morning, you wish you don't have to face this ugly reality, you just want to come back to sleep, come back to the dream, the ideal world in which everything still behaves just like what you want them to be, like what they used to be.

The world doesn't care. You must be strong, must be as sturdy as a brick, as hard as a steel. No no no. Nobody cares. You are insignificant. You are small. Each day, you feel smaller and smaller. Each day, sleep gets worse and worse. Your eating habit ruined. The gastritic worsens. You get smaller, both figuratively and literally. You are skinnier than ever. Some people notice it, although most don't.

You are alone. No body understands it. They just see you as a strange, lunatic, quirky boy who is never smiling, always looking blue. That solitude person who is not good with any social interaction. That boy, who is sitting alone in the corner. Weirdo, every body thinks.

You don't know what to do. Every day you wish you could go back in time to fix everything, to prevent this from ever happening. Every day you think what kind of mistake so big that you deserve to be treated that way.

But then, you did it. You moved on. Congratulations! You manage to beat it and live your life the old way you used to do. You did it! Your health improve. You gain weight (well, happily or sadly). You get as many friends and social interactions that you have lost in the past few years. You do your hobbies again, and it becomes fun... again! You have turned from that sad face weirdo into a whole new person, which is the old you. Please enjoy while it last. You are worthy. You are valid. You are loved. You deserve to be happy.

Tangerang, 11 April 2022

Why did I even have the urge to write this...

If this is you, please don't ever give up. You will beat it!

Good luck for you and for us all.